Want to know the truth? I didn't. What I found was more stress; more pressure; less of me. I am frustrated, sad, more broke because let's face it starting a business isn't free. My already tentative marriage due to life interruptions it is even more so, my kids felt side lined and I feel sidelined. So, now what? I truthfully don't know. I want to throw in the towel and then keep thinking:
"If I do that, what have I taught my children? That when things don't go your way, you simply give up and walk away?"
Man, I don't want to do that.
But I also don't want to keep going the way it is going. I am unimpassioned. I am bitter. I feel it in my face. As I sit here writing this, I feel like I am sucking on a lemon. I am not excited. I am not thinking about the next dish I am going to recreate. No. I am thinking about how much money I have invested and not gotten out of it. I am thinking of how I am failing. I am thinking of.... homeschooling.
Oh come on, you knew a tie had to come there somewhere, but it's true! How many of you sit there, reading this, thinking to yourselves:
"I've invested so much money in this curriculum/events/classes/etc. and they aren't getting out of it what I wanted them to."
I know I have. I'm raising my hand, albeit sheepishly. Yep, we unschool and buy curriculum. Oxymoron you say? Blasphemous?! No, not at all because unschooling means you follow your child's passion and their wants. It is THEIR want to have curriculum. Personally, I hate it. I feel pressured by it. I feel like I am failing if I am not schooling them by the curriculum while I have purchased it.
But the truth lies in who truly owns that? I do. Not them.
Honey Bunny is doing great this year! She is clean from cutting. She has a steady boyfriend. They are working on what it's like to have a real relationship, not just teenage lust. She is doing her classes without being asked. She is thinking about her future. She is investing in herSELF. Sure, she's still 17 with PTSD/anxiety/depression, but we are working on the right meds and the right therapist. I finally see hope in her future. Her future isn't what others see as their typical teen future, no college in sight, but damn it she is alive and she is looking forward to having a future. I'm okay with that. I'm better than okay with that. I am ecstatic! :)
And Boo Bear? Well, she's my challenge right now. She has gone for occupational therapy testing and psychological testing and educational testing all in the past 2 weeks. Why? Because something is wrong. I pretty much know what it is, but without the diagnosis, I can't get the help we need. Turns out, she has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). She basically feels like she's in a free fall almost all the time, which is why she seeks physical touch from someone or something all the time. She's looking for her "seeing eye dog" is the best I can describe it. She needs someone to help ground her. We will be working on skills for her to be able to do so for herself over the next few months. Perhaps, I will be able to sleep on my own again or with my husband again. It's been 8 years. I think I'm ready.
She also has severe dyslexia and dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is an impairment with written instruction. Basically, she can't write. She also has issues with "orthorgraphic coding" meaning she can't remember what letters go into what word. My poor little pumpkin tries so hard to read and to write and simply can't do it. At age 8, she now feels the difference and feels like she has "failed." It is heart breaking.
She wants to learn about the Classics this year, and the differences between Creationism and Evolution. She wants to learn about the Middle Ages and Renaissance, especially the fashion aspect of it. She wants to learn how to speak Spanish and how to expand upon her mathematical concepts. Yet, in a cruel irony, she can't read or write. She tries, she really does, but ends up in tears and frustration. (Exactly how I feel about starting my businesses again!)
So, what's a Momma to do? We've hired a tutor 4 hours a week to work with her. I am going to read everything to her. She is going to narrate her answers back to me. We are going to do a lot of one on one work. Am I looking forward to it? Honestly? No. I was looking forward to her being able to be more independent so that while she was working, so could I. But that is not what is going to happen.
You see, for her to become more independent she has to become more dependent. For me, that means remembering that life is like an arrow in archery. One must pull back before they can go forward.
So, for now, I must table my business and my personal growth for the growth of my child. Do I like that? Not really. There is a part of me that is crying out: "What about me?!!! Why don't I matter? Why do I always have to give up something for someone else to flourish?!"
But I also know that I wouldn't be happy turning my back on my child and moving my SELF forward because ultimately, being her parent IS my number one job. It's the one I get the most fulfillment out of. It's the one that speaks to my heart. Being a parent, and a homeschool parent to boot, is what brings me the most self awareness and love and growth.
Perhaps, what we all need to do is stop for a moment. Do it, just for a moment dear Reader, and think about what truly brings you self fulfillment. Think about where your true values lay. There is no wrong answer. There just is your truth. Your inner truth.
My truth is the world says I should be independent and have a business to show my girls that being a mother doesn't mean you give up on your dreams, but my inner truth is much more simple than that. My inner truth is simply I want to be the best parent possible, even if that means putting myself aside for them to grow; for their growth is truthfully where I experience the most joy and growth for myself.
What's your inner truth? Does it lay truthful to your world? Are you living in harmony with yourself? Are you doing one thing, but feeling another? I wasn't. In the beginning of this article, I shared with you I've been living contrary to my truth. Perhaps, that is why things are not going how I wish them to. I'm not being truthful with myself.
Starting today, I am going to be truthful to myself. If I can't be truthful to myself, how can I be truthful to others?
What are you going to to today? What are you going to change?