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Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Art of Changing from Fear to Love

Right now, in my life, I feel scared. My marriage is about as exciting as vanilla pudding. It's been 9.5 years and we've drifted apart during those years. We are like passing ships in the night, the dark of night. It isn't bad. It Time to work on that. I FEAR I will fail my marriage.

Boo Bear has severe learning disabilities and will need tutoring and occupational therapy. I have no idea how to handle this at all. I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I've failed her. I feel like I have no way of coping with her needs because everything I read about how to handle learning disabilities is so counter intuitive to who she is as a person. I keep reading things about strict schedules and regimented follow through and follow up. Boo Bear doesn't thrive like that. It's why we have chosen to keep her home, so she could thrive, yet all this mumbo jumbo says to do it the exact opposite!!! I FEAR that I will fail my daughter's education.

Honey Bunny is doing well. Yet, I still FEAR. I fear she will relapse. I fear she will not be able to handle the responsibility of becoming a young adult and what that means in society. I fear she won't be able to hold a job because of her PTSD/anxiety. I fear she won't have a plan for her life for the next 2 years and she will still have me driving her around, playing on her iPhone looking at cats on Tumblr and waiting for others to fill her internal gaps.

I FEAR making commitments to classes because what if we can't make them.
I FEAR my business not bringing in money.
I FEAR my business bringing in money because that means more responsibility on me.
I FEAR I am not where I am supposed to be in life.

Oh man, I am operating out of FEAR again. Have you been there? Are you there right now? As you can see, I am. I'm sitting here fearing and fretting away. It's not a good place to be. Actually, it's a downright horrible place to be. It's not even productive IF I stay here.

But, staying grounded in fear is NOT my way of being. You see, to me, staying grounded in fear is a cop out. It's a way of saying "I don't have to deal with any of this simply because I fear it." By doing that, you get stuck in the muck of fear. If you don't own the fear, you can't get past it and you also can't get through it and own the success of doing so.

So, what's a person to do when they are kept up at night and up early before the buttcrack of dawn because of fear? LOVE it. Yep, in the place of fear, place love. Unconditional love...for yourself.

Let me go back and substitute the word LOVE for fear and have a different outcome. Let's see how things change....

1) I FEAR I will fail my marriage... becomes... I LOVE my marriage will succeed.
2) I FEAR that I will fail my daughter's education... becomes ... I LOVE that I will succeed with my daughter's education.
3) I FEAR she will relapse...becomes...I LOVE that I trust her to trust herself.
4) I FEAR making commitments to classes because what if we can't make them...becomes... I LOVE making commitments to classes because we will make them.
5)I FEAR my business not bringing in money...becomes...I LOVE my business bringing in money.
6) I FEAR my business bringing in money because that means more responsibility on me...becomes...I LOVE my business not bringing in money because it means I have more time for my family.
7) I FEAR I am not where I am supposed to be in life...becomes...I LOVE where I am in life right now.

You see, replacing LOVE for FEAR completely changed the outcome of each sentence. It completely changed how things are viewed.

Operating from a place of love is hard. It's easy to get lost. Self-doubt, life changes, doubt from others are all interruptions in the way of life. It's easy to get wrapped up in fear because it is a known entity. It is seductive. Fear is sexy. It truly is. It's that excitement that occurs when we are little with that monster in the closet or under the bed. It heightens our awareness. It brings about feelings of stimulation and makes us aware of even the smallest details in our world. Now, granted, they aren't positive, but they are sexy. They are real. They make us feel alive. And, best of all, society endorses it. Society understands working out of fear. Society understands and endorses all our fears. It provides therapy and medicine. It provides movies and music to back up our fears of abandonment and isolation. Society recognizes the sexiness of fear and capitalizes on it for us. We are surrounded with fear. Advertisements are based on calming our how do we learn and remember to move out of love?

Moving from a place of fear to a place of love isn't easy. It's not as easy as saying replace one word and it's all better. No. It's much more complicated. It requires the same focus as fear, but it's more exhausting. It requires the same heightened awareness, but not of our senses but instead of our motivations. It requires INNER awareness. It requires INNER motivation. It requires maturity.

To operate from a place of love rather than fear requires a moment to moment recognition of where we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The truth is, most people don't want this. They want to be able to blame others for their fear because in blaming others they are released from ownership and don't have to be aware. They can disconnect and move on with their life. Their life will be unhappy, but that is their choice.

I lost my way this summer. I began to operate out of fear rather than love. I feel it. I see it when I go back and read through my posts. I have felt so out of synch with myself that I feel like I lost the joy of summer. I lost the joy of fireflies and full moons. I lost the joy of listening to my children laugh. I lost the joy of a glass of red wine while grilling a steak and sitting by the pool. And all by choice. All because I chose fear instead of love.

Well, I officially have another month of summer left. At least about 3 weeks of it if memory serves right. It looks like I have some memory making to do in the next few weeks. Looks like my homeschool fears just have to wait and be turned from fear to love. It looks like my marriage has to do a 180 from vanilla pudding to at least vanilla pudding with some rainbow sprinkles on it for now. It looks like I have to stop fearing and start loving!!!

What fears are running your life? What fears can you change from fear to love? Are your fears fact based or are they simply imagined? What can you do right now to change even just one of those fears from a fear base to a love base? What is your new reality going to be once that happens? Keep me posted.....

Saturday, August 29, 2015

The Truth

It's been five months since I last posted. I have been trying to get my gluten free business up and running. Wanna check them out? Homemade GF Meals and Gluten Free GPS. I had hoped in finding something for me, I would find myself again.

Want to know the truth? I didn't. What I found was more stress; more pressure; less of me. I am frustrated, sad, more broke because let's face it starting a business isn't free. My already tentative marriage due to life interruptions it is even more so, my kids felt side lined and I feel sidelined. So, now what? I truthfully don't know. I want to throw in the towel and then keep thinking:

"If I do that, what have I taught my children? That when things don't go your way, you simply give up and walk away?" 

Man, I don't want to do that.

But I also don't want to keep going the way it is going. I am unimpassioned. I am bitter. I feel it in my face. As I sit here writing this, I feel like I am sucking on a lemon. I am not excited. I am not thinking about the next dish I am going to recreate. No. I am thinking about how much money I have invested and not gotten out of it. I am thinking of how I am failing. I am thinking of.... homeschooling.

Oh come on, you knew a tie had to come there somewhere, but it's true! How many of you sit there, reading this, thinking to yourselves:

"I've invested so much money in this curriculum/events/classes/etc. and they aren't getting out of it what I wanted them to."

I know I have. I'm raising my hand, albeit sheepishly. Yep, we unschool and buy curriculum. Oxymoron you say? Blasphemous?! No, not at all because unschooling means you follow your child's passion and their wants. It is THEIR want to have curriculum. Personally, I hate it. I feel pressured by it. I feel like I am failing if I am not schooling them by the curriculum while I have purchased it.

But the truth lies in who truly owns that? I do. Not them.

Honey Bunny is doing great this year! She is clean from cutting. She has a steady boyfriend. They are working on what it's like to have a real relationship, not just teenage lust. She is doing her classes without being asked. She is thinking about her future. She is investing in herSELF.  Sure, she's still 17 with PTSD/anxiety/depression, but we are working on the right meds and the right therapist. I finally see hope in her future. Her future isn't what others see as their typical teen future, no college in sight, but damn it she is alive and she is looking forward to having a future. I'm okay with that. I'm better than okay with that. I am ecstatic! :)

And Boo Bear? Well, she's my challenge right now. She has gone for occupational therapy testing and psychological testing and educational testing all in the past 2 weeks. Why? Because something is wrong. I pretty much know what it is, but without the diagnosis, I can't get the help we need. Turns out, she has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). She basically feels like she's in a free fall almost all the time, which is why she seeks physical touch from someone or something all the time. She's looking for her "seeing eye dog" is the best I can describe it. She needs someone to help ground her. We will be working on skills for her to be able to do so for herself over the next few months. Perhaps, I will be able to sleep on my own again or with my husband again. It's been 8 years. I think I'm ready.

She also has severe dyslexia and dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is an impairment with written instruction. Basically, she can't write. She also has issues with "orthorgraphic coding" meaning she can't remember what letters go into what word. My poor little pumpkin tries so  hard to read and to write and simply can't do it. At age 8, she now feels the difference and feels like she has "failed." It is heart breaking.

She wants to learn about the Classics this year, and the differences between Creationism and Evolution. She wants to learn about the Middle Ages and Renaissance, especially the fashion aspect of it. She wants to learn how to speak Spanish and how to expand upon her mathematical concepts.  Yet, in a cruel irony, she can't read or write. She tries, she really does, but ends up in tears and frustration. (Exactly how I feel about starting my businesses again!)

So, what's a Momma to do? We've hired a tutor 4 hours a week to work with her. I am going to read everything to her. She is going to narrate her answers back to me. We are going to do a lot of one on one work. Am I looking forward to it? Honestly? No. I was looking forward to her being able to be more independent so that while she was working, so could I. But that is not what is going to happen.

You see, for her to become more independent she has to become more dependent. For me, that means remembering that life is like an arrow in archery. One must pull back before they can go forward.

So, for now, I must table my business and my personal growth for the growth of my child. Do I like that? Not really. There is a part of me that is crying out: "What about me?!!! Why don't I matter? Why do I always have to give up something for someone else to flourish?!"

But I also know that I wouldn't be happy turning my back on my child and moving my SELF forward because ultimately, being her parent IS my number one job. It's the one I get the most fulfillment out of. It's the one that speaks to my heart. Being a parent, and a homeschool parent to boot, is what brings me the most self awareness and love and growth.

Perhaps, what we all need to do is stop for a moment. Do it, just for a moment dear Reader, and think about what truly brings you self fulfillment. Think about where your true values lay. There is no wrong answer. There just is your truth. Your inner truth.

My truth is the world says I should be independent and have a business to show my girls that being a mother doesn't mean you give up on your dreams, but my inner truth is much more simple than that. My inner truth is simply I want to be the best parent possible, even if that means putting myself aside for them to grow; for their growth is truthfully where I experience the most joy and growth for myself.

What's your inner truth? Does it lay truthful to your world? Are you living in harmony with yourself? Are you doing one thing, but feeling another? I wasn't. In the beginning of this article, I shared with you I've been living contrary to my truth. Perhaps, that is why things are not going how I wish them to. I'm not being truthful with myself.

Starting today, I am going to be truthful to myself. If I can't be truthful to myself, how can I be truthful to others?

What are you going to to today? What are you going to change?